I was born in a middle class family in Kolkata
and soon came to Mumbai, as my family shifted places. I have seen life in
Mumbai change in these 3 decades and so the essence of relationships. I saw
people adjusting themselves in crunches with a smile on their face.
I feel fortunate of having this experience seen
by myself. Although born in a middle class family, we were never in shortage in
resources. My father was working in one of the biggest enterprises in oil &
gas domain and we had satisfying life. I started my academic journey from
Kolkata and completed that in Mumbai. My earliest days of schools were in a
strict convent environment, where you get bitten up, if found speaking anything
apart from English and then landing to central school, where talking in English
was a ceremony.
As a child, I didn’t had so much of fantasies
about getting good toys or clothes, which kids of my age has. But, somewhere
when I used to see my friends playing with good toys or getting pampered from
their parents, I used to get that expectation built inside myself. But the fact
or the reality was entirely different, I was not so impressed by me because I
was not as good in the studies as my sister was and he used to compare myself
with her. But he failed to understand that, as an individual, I had some
qualities which she didn’t have.
This made me shrink into a shell and every day I
used to spend fearing, if things are neither right nor wrong. There were many
times, when I prayed god to take me up as I don’t want to live here. But then,
these are something which a kid will do. My credibility in my family was
brought to 0 and this pained me a lot. This created an un-reversible rift
between me and my father and probably some where it is still there. We stopped
talking with each other long back and this grew by the time.
No one ever felt to sort things out or to
understand the problem and it never got sorted. Not that I didn’t want, but I
didn’t want to start. It had become a clash of egos and there was no going
back. It was a time when I started liking a girl from my class. It was too
early and I was too young to define that. But she was from a group, surrounding
with high class people and I was never fitted into them or would not fit into
them.
I was never made interested to look on
presentation and neither had I liked. I always felt comfortable in being the
way I am in real. I never liked to be faked, this might be the only reason, I
was never included in their group. I always felt lonely and had no such
friends. I still remember I called everyone in my birthday, I waited for them
and then no one came. I bought a birthday card for that girl on her birthday
and gave to her. Next day her friends tore the card and returned me back. I was
shattered from inside.
I was in a situation that, I never got an
emotional support from any one, whom I expected from. But that didn’t spoiled
my identity and I thought, what so ever be and what so ever I have to do, One
day I will come to a stage where people will know me and they will work with
me. Today when I look back and compare with what was and what I am, there is an
unbelievable change in my entire life. Today when I visit the same place, I
feel that I should meet with them and then probably I can show them, what I
have become.
Then came the college days, brightest and most
remembered days of everyone’s life. I was never interested in technical and
wanted to go to in medical. I was passionate to become doctor and planned to
take up subjects like genetics and neuro. I somehow managed to get a seat in a
well known government medical college, but I was not allowed to go, just
because the time the entire course to complete and the life a doctor has. I never
wanted to go for engineering, as I was not so good with maths and physics. I
used to hate any subject which needed calculations.
Well, but destiny had something else stored for
me. Leaving everything I had to take admission in B.COM, where again I had to
see maths but before that the most scary part was how will I do it? I studied
science in school and didn’t knew anything about commerce, then how will I be
able to cope with it. I read all the school books on commerce before going to
college.
College was cool on the first day. Lot of
students, big buildings but the same classes. I had early morning classes and
for first couple of days, it was a problem in getting up. But by time, It came
into the cycle. It was a different environment only. No restrictions on going
classes, lot of friends- I was happy.
Our batch was a mix of students coming from
non-state board. All good and intelligent. I always prayed to god that, I
should not get into any situation, where I cannot answer. But god was always
good on me and he made me look like an intelligent student. Exams for the 1st
semester were good and we passed with good percentages.
By this
time, we were famous in the college. I was good in computers and it proved to
be a point of attraction. I am talking about 1999, where people were not so
much inclined to computers, but it was not that they didn’t knew about it. 2nd
Semester started on a good note, I started enjoying the stardom in the college.
That was a time when, my life changed for the
first time. There was a inter college science exhibition, which for the first
time, was hosted by our college. So the management wanted some good volunteers for
the event. The criteria of selection was very tough, every class / section
would recommend max. of 4 volunteers, all the volunteers should have scored
above 60% in their 1st semester. I was a part of the selected group
from my class and we were called for a briefing session.
We reached the hall and found that it was already
full. There were selected people from all the three streams viz. arts, science
and commerce and from numerous sections. I scanned the hall and got couple of
vacant seats. We took those seats and sat there. Suddenly my friend started
calling me saying a girl is constantly watching me. I gave least interest in
his words and was listening to the professor. My friend again called me and I was
totally pissed off. I told him firmly, not to disturb me; the girl heard this
and stopped looking at me.
But this was not the end of it. That day I reached
home an hour late. I entered home and found no one in the house. My mom was out
to visit her friends. I freshened up and it was 5 PM (I cannot forget the
time). My phone ranged, I picked up the phone and there was a girl talking from
the other end. At first she didn’t tell her name and told me that she knows me.
I thought, someone from my group was making fun of me, so I didn’t take it as
joke. She got angree on me that I am not serious and dropped the phone. I planned
to shout on my gang for this.
Next day, I asked every one about the call and
surprisingly no one made it. There facial expression even didn’t tell me that
they were joking. I was confused because out of my gang, no one knew my phone
number. From that day, my phone would ring at exact 5 PM and the same voice
came from other side. One day while talking, I told her that if you don’t tell
your name, I will stop taking your calls. I was very much serious on this. She
knew and agreed to tell her name the next day.
Her call came as usual at 5 PM and it was raining
outside. I told her to first tell her name and then we can talk. Then after a
brief silence, she told her name. I cannot tell her name here because probably
she might also be reading and I don’t want to put her in trouble. I was happy,
day by day; I was getting addicted to her. Funniest thing in this was, she can
only call me, I cannot (I know there are lot of ways to get the details but
still I wanted to keep the trust). Without meeting and just by talking, we were
getting close to ourselves and we understood that this is going to some other
level than just friendship.
She told me that one day, she will tell me what
she feels about me. I urged her to tell me at the same day, but she was
reluctant to give me that day. Couple of days passed and I almost forgot this
thing. Then the day came, I still it was Friday and I was waiting for her call
as usual. She called me and said that she wanted to tell me something. I kept
my hand on my heart and asked her to tell, after a brief silence, she told me
that she loved me a lot. I couldn’t believe in what I heard, so I told her to
repeat and she did. The call ended but my life started.
I told this to my best friend and he showed interested
in talking with her. Next day was Saturday and after coming from college, we
had a small ceremony in the house and in that my friend also came. My phone didn’t
ring on 5 PM and I thought, she might be busy. Then around 7 PM the phone
ringed. I was least expecting to be her. I took the phone and found to be her. I
asked her what to her so long, so she told me that she was not in house. I told
her that my best friend, whom I treat like a brother, wants to talk with her.
She was surprised and little nervous but she agreed.
They spoke for around 10 mins and gave the call
back to me and we chatted for another 15 mins and ended up the call. Semester
exams came and went well. We decided that we will meet once the exams are over.
By this time, I somehow took out the information about her that, she studies in
the same college but in a science stream, which happens in the evening. She
told me that one day, she will himself come to meet me and till then I should
not try to find her. For me it was a test of love and trust. After knowing that
both of us are in the same college, it was really hard for me not to find her.
But this was something I have to rely upon. I couldn’t think of breaking the
promise. I knew that, she will meet me the same day of the lat exam. I waited
till evening in the agreed place in the college premise, but no one came.
I was upset but rather concerned, if any problem
has happened but I was helpless, as I couldn’t reach her. Evening, she called
me and told me that because of an emergency, she and her family had to go to
her native place. I was upset from inside but I also knew the she will come
back. She told me that she will try to call me. She asked y friends number,
just in case, she wants to pass a message to me and I am not available.
Time passed like this and my friend used to tell
me that she called him. I was surprised that why she is not calling me. But I didn’t
make my mind think on that. Then one day my friend told me that, he got a
girlfriend. I was happy for him and I told him that we can spend some time
together once she comes back.
It was the valentine’s month and we decided that whatever
it takes, we will meet. I had saved lot of pocket money, by skipping food. I
bought some good flowers for her and went to college. There are many ways to
reach our college and I was coming straight to the gate. The college was on the
other side of the road and I was waiting to cross. I was very excited to finally
meet her and in this excitement, I looked at the college gate and I could see
my gang standing there. I scanned the entire area and found someone like my
friend. It was hard for me to believe that, why my friend was in my college. So
I remembered him saying that he got a girl friend. I didn’t want to disturb
him.
She didn’t come and we didn’t meet. Evening she
said that she was standing in the same area and she waved to me, but I didn’t see.
I blindly trusted her and apologized her. I told her the why don’t you send
your picture so that I can track you. She mailed her picture to me and that was
the first time, I saw her. She was beautiful, like a fairy. Now I was eager to
meet her in person. We decided to give it a try on Friday on the same place.
Friday came really fast and after completing my
classes, I headed towards that place. I was excited thinking that she might be
waiting for me. I reached there and scanned the area, she was not there. I
thought, I might be early and there is some time for her to come. So I came out
and started roaming and what I see, bowled me out and broke my entire life.
I saw my best friend, my brother, standing facing
a boundary wall. I could see some girl against the wall. But couldn’t recognize
her. Then suddenly a call came to her and he took the call. Speaking on phone
he went away from that girl and I saw the same girl, whose picture I was sent.
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and without
a word went from there. I realized that on the Valentine’s Day, also she was
there with him. The phone rang and I clearly asked her that did she love my
friend. At first she started shouting at me but when I said I saw her, she
stopped and it was a silence. I told her, loving someone is not a crime, so she
does not have to repent or feel bad of that. She at once started crying and
admitted the relationship.
It was not easy for me to do all these, as to what
I did, I told her to go to him. She thought I was angree and will hate her for
the entire life. But I convenienced her, that, I don’t see any reason, by which
I should hate her. She told me that I have a big heart and one day someone will
come in my life, who would understand and respect my emotions and by these
words, the calls died. My phone never rang at 5 PM.
I cried a lot. I felt broken. I felt that someone
has taken my heart out of me. I stopped eating, stopped meeting friends, and
stopped everything. I still remember, it was a Sunday afternoon and everybody
was relaxing. It was more than 2 weeks past from that day but I couldn’t forget
her. I woke up from my bed and went in the balcony. I was having a shaving
blade in my hand and suddenly I cut my nerves. Blood started coming out and I
was unconscious soon after. I woke up in the hospital bed with my parents
standing beside me. I knew I did a big mistake and I will be punished for that.
But surprisingly, they didn’t ask “WHY?”
I felt guiltier and told them everything. My mother touched me and said me that
did you think of us?
I understood what she meant and apologized her. For
net one week, I didn't go to college and showcased the incident as an accident.
Then from that time till the end of the course, there was no looking back. I
also joined NIIT with my college and both of them ended the same day.
--To be continued
Today I am married to the most wonderful person
and having a lovely daughter. I will definitely write, how did I meet my wife
and how did we marry in my next post. You might be thinking, why didn't I fight
for my love? But I can fight for something which is mine, not for something
which doesn't belong to me. I understood love to “Give Away” without “Expecting”
anything. If I holded her that time, then it would not be love but
dictatorship. Love is like a boomerang, the more you throw away from yourself
the more quickly it comes to you again.
